Mitt Romney Does An Ice-T Impression
File this under: “Things I Never Saw Coming. Ever.” I woke up this morning to watch the remnants of Mitt Romney’s career careening over a metaphorical cliff. In his own very special way, Romney managed to out-stupid the reigning King Of Laughable Republicans - Dan Quayle himself. “Hey, you guys didn’t by chance get any of this money from terrorizing people in El Salvador, did you?” The Huffington Post’s Ryan Grim and Cole Stangler did some investigating, and found out Bain Capital didn’t just kill a lot of jobs, they also killed a lot of people, albeit indirectly. It’s always awkward when you’ve been using money your entire life to fuck over people, and then that money comes back to fuck you.
I never thought I would see the words “Body Count” and “Mitt Romney” juxtaposed, unless Ice-T got the guys together for a reunion at the Republican Convention. It just so happens Bain Capital needed some money back in the day, and the people reaching out to Mitt and his buddies were Salvadorian terrorists. (And you said Romney couldn’t get along with the Latino vote?! Ha. Wrong again, liberal assholes.) And really, it’s tough to say “NO” to Salvadorian terror money. I just funded my new living room set with Columbian kidnapping money, so it’s really no big deal, right? I mean, honestly, before Kickstarter, how did this stuff really work?
Besides being utterly shocked, I don’t know if the Romney campaign is going to be able to sweep this under the rug. If this isn’t enough to completely sink a campaign, I’m not sure what is. Could you imagine what would happen if we found out President Obama owned a company that took money from Salvadorian terrorists? What if Obama was found to be making dividend payments to death squad leaders? Do you think Faux News would have an absolute field day? (That was a rhetorical question.)
If the Republicans have one chance at dumping Romney, this is the moment. Send him on an indefinite island vacation. I’m talking about putting him so far out in the Pacific, he’s finding bits of Amelia Earhart’s airplane. There is no reason to back him at this point. He wasn’t going to win anyway, and now he definitely can’t. Armed with this information, the Democrats can really put together some impressive television advertisements.
Perhaps the Republicans will get wise and realize, “Hey y’all, we weren’t going to win with Mitt anyway. Let’s see what this Ron Paul guy can do.”
In the Madden ‘13 of U.S. politics, there is no such thing as a “friendly quit” - or even subbing in Michael Vick and hoping for a 99-yard run. This is 4th and 35 for the Republicans. “Death Squad Money” is just a little too toxic.
Ron Paul, you’re looking pretty appealing right now.
Here we go…
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